The
Archives
"An
Inconvenient Party Guest" - A casual little cocktail party -
AL GORE enters, looks around the room, and makes his
way to the food table.
"Netflix Wars" - Noam Chomsky
is cool, I guess, but that hardly gives my wife the right to place him
above "The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle" in our Netfilx
queue.
"X-Men Powers" - I just came from seeing the latest X-Men
movie, and it got me thinking: in a world where any mutation is possible,
which ones would I want?
"Medically Trained" - I am medically trained. I can take
care of you.
"Curling Commentary" - I know that curling is the punch
line of Olympic sports, but I found myself really getting into it...
"Washboard Blues" - I've discovered that after a few years
of marriage, the reality of the relationship starts to edge out any fantasies
you may have once had.
"Night Before Christmas" - When
all of the sudden there arose such a clamor, that I said, "What be
that?" forgetting my grammar.
"Christmas Letter" - The much-anticipated Christmas letter
from my Aunt Faye in Hushpuckena, Mississippi.
"Quiz Obssession" - Are you obsessed with taking quizzes?
Take this quiz and find out.
"My
Father Was Right" - An otherwise glorious
experience is marred by the fact that my father was right.
"An Open Letter to People Who Still Say,'Happy Camper'"
- "Happy
Camper" has lived a full, rich life, and it's time to let it
pass with dignity.
"Stays In Vegas" - They
say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Well, here are some things that
I accidentally packed in my carry-on and brought back with me.
"Pop Song Questions" - Popular music is full of questions.
Here are some possible answers.
"My Accountant" - I would have no problem swearing under
oath that driving to the grocery store and laughing at funny fruit and
vegetable names is a necessary part of my job.
"Dog Bowling" - It
started with the simple act of scooting a little yappy dog across a hardwood
floor.
"Coffee Cure" - I have
coffee issues, and thanks to science, they are only getting worse.
"Bible vs. Health Club Part II" - I'm
continuing to pit the Bible against the signs located around my health
club.
"Bible vs. Health Club" - It's
been about a year since the Jehovah's Witnesses last stopped by, and I'm
starting to worry that I might have offended them.
"Puppy Love" - I have a conversation
with a dog. Hilarious!
"SPAM Replies" - As each year
winds down, I like to go through and answer all the e-mail I've let pile
up.
"Night Before Christmas '04" -
My tree all adorned
Red and blue decoration
(In a nod to our sharply
Divided great nation.)
"New Christmas Songs" - After weeks of the muzak version
of "Little Drummer Boy" rattling around in my melon, I'm flipping
through the phone book trying to remember how to spell "Kevorkian."
"Gone To Cleveland" - I've never been to Cleveland, so I
have nothing against it, but it just sounds like a punch line to me.
"Wake Up And Pee" - My grandfather
was one of those "colorful character" grandfathers.[FREE
MP3 download]
"Politics" - I forgot to tell everyone
that I’m a complete and total phony
"Lemons" - When life hands you lemons, make lemonade.
So the saying goes. But why settle for making lemonade when there are
so many more possibilities?
"Nutmeg, Part One" - The turbaned man told me that if you
grind up some whole nutmeg seeds in a coffee grinder and drink them in
a smoothie, they will get you high.Concludes with "Nutmeg,
Part Two."
"Reducing My Vocabulary" - It's
time to clean out the vocabulary closet and make room for some fresh,
new words.
"The Zipper Song" - We played the video for our parents, and they thought it was funny, too. It became known as "The Zipper Song," and was required viewing for anyone who was unlucky enough to visit our house between 1984 and 1987.
"The Uncle Gig" - When the nieces visit, I get all the concentrated joy of "having" kids without ever having to, say, add a 16-year-old to my car insurance policy.
"Ask
Bad Guru" - Bad Guru has access to Infinite
Intelligence, to the All-That-Is, to the Headwaters of Knowledge...
"Birthday Relections" - In birthdays past I've written entire
columns about things I've learned. This year I can only think of one.
"Legalize Coffee" - What if, 70 odd years ago, coffee had
been made illegal instead of cannabis?
"Bible
Versus Part 1" - With
a collection of random wisdom in one hand, an internet search site of
the King James Bible in the other, I test my theory that cosmic guidance
is available in ALL versions of the printed word, not just in the Bible.
"Bible Versus Part 2" -
I continue pitting the Bible against less-divine written sources.
"Poetry SPAM" - 'Britney naked on a boat hox' just sounded so good, so rhythmic and flowing, like a line of poetry. Yep ... poetry.
"From The X Games" - As extreme sports become accepted into the mainstream, I feel a tug of pity for the Olympic athletes whose sports will certainly be squeezed out over the next few years.
"Mission
to Mars" - As
a child of divorced parents, I can see right through the president's announcement
that we are going to travel to Mars.
"Column Outline 2004" - Dammit, here it is mid-January already
and I totally forgot to write the wacky "New year's resolution"
column.
"Half a Glass of Milk"
- PSYCHIATRIST:
The milk represents the mother. The glass represents your penis. That's
the end of our time for today.
"Predictions
for 2004" - Top psychics agree, 2004 will be the year that will
immediately follow 2003, both numerically and chronologically. Man, they're
good.
"Night Before Christmas 2003" - Yes, one of those holiday
parody poems that begins with 'twas.
"New Christmas Songs 2003" - Probably best enjoyed around Christmas time, but maybe you're one of those people who thinks every day is like Christmas.
"Christmas Letter from Mississippi 2003" - Over the years I've kinda lost touch with my family back in Mississippi, so I'm happy to receive my Aunt Faye's Christmas letter each year.
"Amazing Home Remedies" - Puffy eyes? Use Preparation H. Probably want to start with a new tube, though.
"To Hell and Back" - As you go about your day, do you hear a third person narrative describing your thoughts and actions and appearances while thinking and acting? Well, Barry Smith does.
"Famous Speeches Now" - "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be filled. For a free sample of 'Blessed,' the weight-loss supplement..."
"To Write a Column" - Most people seem to have no idea the amount of toil that goes into writing a column such as this one.
"8-Track
SPAM" - Wow, I feel so nostalgic about SPAM. I wish I would have
saved some of the better ones.
"Unusual Activity"
- "If you see any unusual activity, please report it immediately
using any airport terminal white courtesy telephone." Once I started
to pay attention, I noticed unusual activity all over the place.
"Replacing
Roy" - When
news of Roy's mauling was announced, a shocked nation all shared the same
sentiment: "Hey, now THAT'S a show I would have gladly shelled out
110 bucks for!"
"Cardiology Breakthrough" - Since I have gone to the trouble of becoming an AV Guy, I think it's only fair that I occasionally share my AV hijinks and shenanigans in this space.
"Big Idea File" - Well, you're just thrilled, right? You think, "Thank you so much for including this stuff that was destined to remain unseen, and I am so, so very glad to be allowed to enjoy it."
"Community College" - As I flipped through the pages of the new fall catalog, I noticed there were some important classes not being offered.
"A/V Telekinesis" - I'm really focused on trying to move a tiny piece of paper with my mind.
"Elvis Impersonator" - I suspect that having witnessed this first wave of post-Elvis impersonations should give me bragging rights.
"The Beaten Path" - The condition of the road continued to be at the very limit of my driving ability, vehicle clearance and testicular capacity.
"Miss Bryson" - Miss Bryson's favorite classroom learning tool was called, "Not Letting Kids Go Potty So That They Are Forced To Go In Their Pants."
"Stories" - My father had three basic stories which he adopted to the situation at hand. Luckily, I have room here for all of them.
"Signs of Adulthood" - I have the unmistakable symptoms of adulthood, and I fear it may be terminal.
"Muhammad Nachos" - Why, I wondered, possibly aloud, in a world where Jesus appears in spaghetti dinners and Mother Teresa in cinnamon rolls, do I see Muhammad in an order of nachos?
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