"Lots of SPAM" - I pluck the good SPAMs and share them with you ... because I know we have similar artistic sensibilities.
"Lemonade" - I knew right away that these boys had been seriously sampling their product.
"Eosinophils" - What is an eosinophil, exactly? After two full days of listening to the discussions and watching the presentations, I'm still not even sure how to pronounce it.
"It's A Sled!" - I recently had the pleasure of sitting down with Oscar Greenfield, current director of the avant-garde theater company "It's A Sled!"
"Suburban Lawns" - When the smoke cleared, he saw that the heat from the explosion had fused his fishing pole to some of the other inventions he'd been working on.
"Meditation Tape" - Take a deep breath and slowly release it. Wait, should I have been holding my breath up until now? Am I already behind? Maybe I should rewind it.
"Name Dropper's Theater" - That's a beautiful dress you're wearing. It reminds me of the one Liz Taylor wore to the Oscars in '83. I accidentally spilled some wine on it as I was reaching across the table for the olive tray.
"Daisy the Dog" - This was not one of those "I'm barking but I'm really just excited" barks, it was a "I will tear the flesh from your bones" bark.
"Familiar Spam" - Let's face it, the promise of a bigger penis (or, more accurately, the illusion of one) is the underlying message behind most every bit of advertisement.
"Thyroid Farewell" - The synthetic thyroid has been the source of much pleasure in my house, so it wasn't an easy thing to give up.
"Famous To Do Lists" - Lots of famous people - some real live achievers - have also embraced the beauty of the To Do list.
"Spring Cleaning" - ...it was better to just get it over with and spend the weekend cleaning rather than suffer the slings and arrows of our father's outrageous forehead sweat.
"Being Bilingual" - I’m fluent in a language that I call Profanese, the Beautiful Language of Profanity.
"Homeland Insecurity" - I've studied the Homeland checklist and found it to be harmfully lacking in some items which I consider essential.
"The Blame Game" - Why are there no New Age game shows? The answer awaits.
"America's Funniest Invasions" - For some reason, my grandparents got it in their heads that I was Bob Sagat's doppelganger.
"Bible Versus ..." - How does the Bible really hold up against other, less holy, publications when it comes to divine guidance?
"Predictions For '03" - A technological breakthrough will revolutionize the shoe horn industry.
"The
Night Before Christmas 2002" -
On Powell! On Rumsfeld!
Give 'em all that you've got.
On Ashcroft! On Rice!
Uh ... but not you, Trent Lott.
"New
Christmas Songs 2002" -
STRANDED IN A WINTER WONDERLAND -- In the meadow they can build
a runway /All employees will have phony smiles / We'll say, "Are
you flying?" They'll say "No way." / "And you just
lost your Frequent Flier Miles."
"Christmas Letter from Mississippi 2002" - On a sad note, we had to put Dixie down a few months ago. You know she had parvo when she was a puppy, and the vet gave her some medicine that made her get real big and kinda mean to strangers.
"Leftover Tips" - Today I'd like to share with you some of my family's sure-fire leftover recipes.
"Pants in a Museum" - I'm not obsessed about it or anything, but lately I've been wondering what I need to do to get my pants in a museum.
"Ask Bad Guru" - Bad Guru answers some more of your letters, as he is known to do.
"Bush's Colon" - The Presidential Sphincter was examined, as per standard procedure, and found to be “extraordinarily puckered.”
"The Pointer" - There are moments in life when we are required to be very specific about what we are trying to communicate. Pointing with our fingers, as we all know, is very impolite. But pointing with a pointer is a different story.
"Big Idea File" - The Ideas aren’t always that Big, and they often aren’t even Ideas...
"Who Was That Guy?" - I had no idea who this person was. But he seemed to know me...
"The Cute Chronicles" - Despite my repeated (and patient, I think) tutelage, my wife refuses to sing the correct words to “Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting.”
"Bad Guru Letters" - How much do you think your mind, body and/or spirit will appreciate a big-ass Charlie horse in your leg? This question is one which each of us must eventually answer for ourselves.
"Diary of a Highway Flagger" - 2:15 pm - Now, in keeping with the scientific method, I must begin to alter my hand gestures.
"Hundred Dollar Underwear" - Then, with just one day to spare, it hit her. Eureka! My grandmother would sew a hundred dollar bill into the front of my little white cotton briefs!
"Diary of a Catsitter" - My wife and I are cat sitting for the first time.
"Cluck
For Your Buck"
- Yes, apparently if you make a chicken sound for the person at Burger
King who is taking your order, you will receive a fifty-cent discount
on your new chicken whopper.
"Bella the Dog, Part One" - I feel it is my duty as a man
to harbor a deep, primal distain for tiny dogs.
"Bella the Dog, Part Two" - I’m in my bed, early morning, afraid to move for fear of disturbing the dog.
"...But
I Know What I Like" - About a month after she moved out, Karla
phoned and said she was coming by with a gift. My parents probably assumed
that it would be coffee cups with their names scratched in them. Or an
ashtray.
"The Same Old Me" - I think I’ll remain pretty much
the same.
"Repeat That..." - My package should have arrived days ago.
"It's Hue I Fear" - The Office of Homeland Security - a true testament to American ingenuity.
"Behold, the Obvious" - Contents may be hot. They may also be corrosive, radioactive, toxic, hallucinogenic …
"Dead Blues Guys" - When I think Blues, I immediately think of the tasty, affordable convenience of a fast food restaurant.
"Surrogate Celebrity" - Everywhere I go it's "woo woo woo" from passersby.
"Telemarketing Cops" - What had I done? What did I know? How much did they know? And about what? And why did I even answer the phone?
"Titanic Survivors" "There was definitely a sensation of impending doom as we went further out..."
"Dog Eat Grass World" - Dogs eat grass, they thought to themselves. And the next thing you know they were explaining to the loan officer what they intended to do with that fifty grand they had applied for.
"Smot Poking" - In another experiment, scientists wanted to see whether or not they could get rats to experience withdrawal symptoms from marijuana, thereby proving that it's addictive.
"Go Marching In..." - This "Hugging Saint" sounds like the killer gig to me.
"Test Drive" - There was a whole team of people in town pimping for the new Lincoln, and I opted for a test drive.
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