"Bible vs. Health Club II"
In
case you're just joining us...
There was a Jehovah's Witness-related incident: they asked me what I thought
of the Bible, I joked that the yellow pages were probably a more valid,
certainly more current, source of practical guidance. They were
not amused.
Since then I've been occasionally putting that snide comment/progressive
theory to the test - that guidance is available nearly everywhere you
look - and this week I'm continuing to pit the Bible against the signs
located around my health club.
BIBLE: Isaiah 40:31 "But they that wait upon
the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as
eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not
faint."
HEALTH CLUB SIGN: (On the Stairmaster) "Stop Climbing
If You Don't Feel Well"
ANALYSIS: Well, that's a close one, I'll admit. If the
Bible is to be believed, then waiting upon the Lord ("Are you ready
to order, Sir?") will give you eagle's wings, which could certainly
come in handy, especially during a cardio workout. However, I think that,
in the throes of a Stairmaster session, simpler is better. I mean, if
I'm 20 minutes into it and I start to feel a tingling in my arm, I don't
think flipping through the Bible for advice is advisable.
BIBLE: Matthew 7:12 "Therefore all things whatsoever
ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is
the law and the prophets."
HEALTH CLUB SIGN: (Next to the stereo switcher) "Please
Be Considerate Of Others When Changing The Channel Or Adjusting The Volume."
ANALYSIS: I think this so-called Golden Rule is a flawed
bit of philosophy, because YOUR idea of what you would
like done unto ye may be vastly different than what I would like done
unto me. And nowhere is this more clear than in the case of the health
club entertainment center, where the so-called prophets clearly never
spent any time. YOU may think that someone coming in and abruptly switching
the DMX from the Reggae channel to Contemporary Christian Rock
while you're doing dumbbell flies would be a good thing, but I think that
this would sucketh.
Sorry, Bible, but the entertainment options have changed radically since
you were written.
BIBLE: Ruth 4: 18-21 "Now these are the generations
of Pharez: Pharez begat Hezron, and Hezron begat Ram, and Ram begat Amminadab,
and Amminadab begat Nahshon, and Nahshon begat Salmon, and Salmon begat
Boaz, and Boaz begat Obed..."
HEALTH CLUB SIGN: "Do Not Attempt To Free Any Jammed
Part By Yourself"
ANALYSIS: Here's the scenario - I'm finishing up my final
set of tricep pull-downs when suddenly the machine locks up and the weights
are frozen in mid-air. Now, the decision I have to make is a simple one
- do I fish around under a stack of weights that could easily crush every
bone in my hand, or do I ask someone to help me? Does the fact that Amminadab
begat Nahshon really help me make a wise choice?
Well, maybe ... if I knew Amminadab personally, and knew
that he once attempted something very similar and subsequently ruined
his career as a violinist.
But I'm thinking that the "Do Not Attempt..." sign would be
the most relevant thing to catch my eye at that moment.
BIBLE: Matthew 5:10 "Blessed are they which
are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."
HEALTH CLUB SIGN: "This Door Is To Remain Unlocked
During Business Hours"
ANALYSIS: Persecution sounds like a total drag, even
with this "kingdom of heaven" promise. I'd much rather slip
out the unlocked door.
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