"Big Ideas"
Picture
this: your all time favorite movie has finally been released on DVD. You
pop it into your player and up comes the menu. Curious to see what sort
of goodies have been included in this exciting new format, you select
"Extras," and there you see a category called "Deleted
Scenes."
Well, you're just thrilled, right? You think, "Thank
you! Thank you so much for including this stuff that was destined to remain
unseen, and I am so, so very glad to be allowed to enjoy it."
Good.
Now, I have this folder in my computer called "The Big Idea
File." It's just brimming with insights, non-sequiturs,
overheard quotes, random ideas and hilariously juxtaposed words - many
of which will probably never make it to the 700-word-column stage. Does
this mean that you should be denied these kernels? Not with technology
on our side!
* OK, I have an idea for this new
sport, see? It's basically soccer, only each team has ten people, 9 of
them goalies. And the goals are about as big as a basketball hoop. Due
to the difficulty of scoring, an actual goal is only made about every
7 years or so. But when it happens, the announcer shouts "GOOOOOOOAAAALLLL!"
for 10 days straight.
* Sometimes, while doing important
research online, I do a Google search and, in my haste, I accidentally
misspell the topic - I might type "Mahatmo Gandii," for instance.
However, I'll still get results for pages dedicated to the life and teachings
of "Mahatmo Gandii."
The odd part, though, is that I meant to type in "Bondage Nurses."
* Cats have no interest in kaleidoscopes.
I learned this the hard way.
* Christian Rap. I thought I came
up with this idea on my very own, but then I found out it actually exists.
And, get this - there's an actual group called "Gospel Gangstaz."
No, I'm serious. Why bother anymore?
* While standing at the airline
ticket counter, the woman handed me my tickets and said, "Have a
nice flight."
I replied, "You, too."
Which roughly translates as: "Though my facade is one of friendliness
and presence, I'm obviously not really paying attention to what you're
saying. Basically, I'm on social auto-pilot."
Now, with that in mind, try this: Next time you pass someone you know
on the street, using the same tone you would for a quick "Hey! How's
it going?' say instead, "Hey! Where's the water buffalo?"
They'll reply: "Good. How 'bout yourself?"
Do this long enough, and on one will speak to you again.
* If you're nervous about public
speaking, you're supposed to imagine that everyone in the audience is
in their underwear. This will surely come in handy when I'm addressing
a Victoria's Secret model convention.
* Inner-city radio variety show
idea: "A Prairie 'Hood Companion." Are you
listening, Garrison Kizzle?
* During some memorial services
it's traditional to observe a minute of silence. Well, just so you know,
when the time comes for MY memorial service, I want 15 seconds of silence,
followed by 30 seconds of painfully stifled giggling, then a final 15
seconds of all out guffawing. Then off to the buffet line.
* Higginbotham. Isn't that just
the best surname ever? Higginbotham. Love it.
* Gravel Capades. The prototype
version of Ice Capades. Same basic idea - Snoopy costumes and
the like - only the performers don't slide quite as far if they
fall down.
* T-shirt inscription: "Poems
Not Prisons." I'm not sure which way to go with this. Does it mean
that exposure to poetry will keep people from turning to a life of crime,
thereby making prisons unnecessary? Or that poems should be read aloud
to the guilty as a means of punishment on par with the horror of imprisonment?
If it's the latter, I certainly hope some of my poetry will be considered.
home
sign
up to get
irrelativity
(yes, free)
read the
archives
buy stuff
you
suddenly need
revealing info
about me
