"Bush's Colon"

President Bush will undergo a colonoscopy -- a diagnostic examination to check for early signs of colon cancer -- and will transfer power to Vice President Dick Cheney during the procedure.

“This is a routine physical examination that will be done at Camp David. I'm going to be sedated for a period of time and will transfer power to the vice president during that time," Bush said. - CNN

RESULTS OF PRESIDENT BUSH’S COLONOSCOPY OF 6/29/02

[Report prepared by Dr. James Butler - Chief of gastroenterology at the National Naval Medical Center at Bethesda, Maryland.]

At 7:09 a.m. EDT, anesthesia was administered to patient George W. Bush. As the anesthesia took effect, patient confessed his love for the entire medical team and faded into unconsciousness while humming the song “Onward Christian Soldiers.”

The Presidential Sphincter was examined, as per standard procedure, and found to be “extraordinarily puckered.” Though not of medical consequence, it did require extra lubrication and force to facilitate insertion of the colonoscope.

Upon entering the rectum, the following items were discovered by the colonoscope and subsequently removed:

- Piece of gnawed crayon, color “periwinkle”
- Partially digested fried pork rind

At 7:12 a.m., overseeing physician Dr. Richard Tubb received a phone call on his cellular phone from Acting President Dick Cheney. Cheney inquired as to the whereabouts of the Oval Office stapler, and was informed that President Bush was already unconscious. Acting President Cheney mumbled something about guessing he’d just have to use paper clips for the time being, and ended his communication abruptly.

Items found in the descending colon:

- Pretzel, partially chewed
- Tiny bits of a printed document believed to be the U.S. Constitution
- Small plastic bag containing white powder, lodged in colon wall. Lack of tooth marks indicate it may have been swallowed in haste. Fecal buildup around container suggests its presence in the colon for many years.

All items were removed and sent to lab for biopsy.

At 7:17 a.m., Acting President Cheney calls to check on the status of the procedure, and to see if it is possible to wake the patient up “… just a little bit, just enough to ask him how to work the DirectTV remote.” Lead Anestheologist Dr. Paul Bruha was consulted, and recommended against this course of action.

Two polyps were discovered in the transverse colon. A standard polypectomy was performed, followed by the subsequent release of a black, viscous substance from the base of the lanced areas.

At 7:21 a.m. Acting President Cheney called Dr. Butler, claiming he “totally forgot what he was calling for,” but assured Dr. Butler it would come to him in a minute. While waiting for the Acting President to remember the nature of his communication, Dr. Butler informed him of the emissions from the punctured areas of the Colon-in-Chief. Cheney demanded an immediate course of continued drilling and the construction of a trans-colonic pipeline. Cheney’s orders were left incomplete, as he was interrupted by the call-waiting function of his telephone.

Items discovered in the ascending colon:

- Piece of toenail, moderately chewed
- A human nose - believed to belong to Pat Robertson
- Copy of “Cliff'sNotes ‘The Little Engine That Could’”
- Large stick, lodged sideways

All items were removed, passed around the room so everyone could get their picture taken with them, then sent to the lab.

At 7:29 a.m. the colonoscopy was completed. President Bush awoke at 7:31 in a cranky mood, expressing his dismay that the procedure was over so soon. When his request for more anesthesia was denied, he groggily accused Dr. Bruha of “Bogarting.”

At 7:34 a.m., Acting President Cheney called Dr. Butler and requested “a medium pepperoni with mushrooms and black olives.” Upon recognizing Butler’s voice, Cheney quickly hung up.

Biopsy of removed items should be complete within 48 hours, except for the bag containing the white powder, which never arrived at the laboratory and, in fact, never existed.

At 9:24 a.m., President Bush resumed power, as he was feeling good enough to sit up in bed and eat a few spoonfuls of ketchup.

home

sign up to get
irrelativity
(yes, free)

read the
archives

buy stuff you
suddenly need

revealing info
about me