"Coffee Cure"
I
have coffee issues, and thanks to
science, they are only getting worse.
A couple years ago, the first thing I would do after waking up would be
to make a cup of coffee and immediately sit down and type out an entire
page on my manual typewriter. An entire page of whatever came to mind,
no rules, no parameters. Just as a little exercise.
I did this for about two years, every morning. Skimming through this 600-plus
high stack of papers, I see that I usually wrote about coffee - how much
I love it, how particularly good it is that morning, how I can't wait
for another cup. Whenever I was in no-coffee phase (I told you, I have
issues), it was all about how much I miss it, how I long for it, how
poor of a substitute tea is. Eventually I found that there was
nothing to write about if I didn't have coffee, so I'd start drinking
coffee again.
Coffee is my Muse and my destroyer. Coffee is my inspiration and my perspiration
and will drive me to premature expiration. There are those who claim to
love the ritual of the morning cup of coffee, but they have nothing on
me. Satanists would be shocked by the amount of ritual
I have built up around my a.m. fix.
I'm a coffee snob, a coffee connoisseur and a coffee whore. I have a French
press encrusted with bean-shaped jewels. I have ended friendships upon
discovering 7-Eleven coffee cups in their car. I have asked strangers
for just one sip of their Joe. I've got it bad. I've published no less
than a dozen coffee-centric columns, drawn countless doodles of coffee
cups, and am not embarrassed to be seen in a Starbucks.
I have had an on-again, off-again relationship with coffee for the past
5 years that would warrant a People magazine cover story. And with each
turn of the roller coaster I have made a big deal about it
to anyone within earshot, including the person selling me the coffee at
the time.
And now, just as I am absolutely and finally done with the bean (I mean
it this time), I see the headlines, "Coffee May Prevent Liver Cancer."
What? NO! Don't you dare prevent cancer!
Seems the Japanese have done a 10 year study showing that 1-2 cups of
coffee a day cuts in half the chances of getting the most common form
of liver cancer.
OK, I remember those TV commercials in the 1980s, the ones where Cecily
Tyson claimed that coffee gives you "serenity." Ha! Are we talking
about the same thing? Serenity? Not if you do it right,
Cecily.
But that's advertising. You expect to be lied to. But this new claim is
not "Juan Valdez sez: Coffee prevents cancer. Drink up." This
is science.
I thought science was supposed to help, and now here it is giving me the
green light to get all jacked up again. "Drink coffee, Barry, your
liver will thank you." Yeah, but my kidneys will kick my ass. And
there's two of them and only one of me.
The study did show that going past the two-cup mark actually starts to
INCREASE the liver cancer risk, but I don't need a third cup to be a jerk.
Just as I'm starting to get things under control, just as I'm beginning
to be a good person, to quell the ravenous coffee desire, closing in on
the twelfth step, about to silence that little whining voice that says,
"Coffee makes you happy and interesting," then I get a bunch
of statistics thrown in my face.
What next? Research proves that sarcasm increases penis size? Ten year
study reveals that masturbation raises your IQ? Procrastination
doubles the lifespan of laboratory rats, study shows. Frequent napping
promotes hair growth. Research reveals pot smoking chimpanzees more attractive
to the opposite sex.
I have no choice. Science has spoken. And the kettle is boiling.
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