When I think Blues - I mean low down, dirty, workin’ a mule all day and barrelhousin’ all night at the levee camp Blues - I, like most people, immediately think of the tasty, affordable convenience of a fast food restaurant.

This must be why the people at Burger King Headquarters have hired Blues legend B.B. King to flog the new King Supreme sandwich.

Get it? Burger King? B.B. King? Bound to happen eventually.

I’m a big Blues fan, which is why this particular campaign stings so. I’m not necessarily a B.B. King fan, as my tastes tend more towards the rawer, acoustic blues, the kind traditionally performed by dead people.

When I saw B.B. King wailing away on Lucille and singing the praises of that flame-broiled burger (“B.B. King knows mealtime is no time to feel blue.”), I was suddenly glad that most of my Blues heroes had long ago had their turn on the cooling board and were now buried down by the highway side. Otherwise …

-----

[MUSIC]

“At this time, ladies and gentlemens, me, Mr. Sonny Boy Williamson, wants to tell you that on a day when I’ms too busy to get a good breakfast down me, it can sho’ nuff give me some blues. That’s when I reaches for a Kellogg’s Cheese Danish Pastry Swirl Pop Tart. MMMMmmm, lord have mercy, but that’s some mighty fine eatin’ first thing in the day.”

[MUSIC SWELLS, SONNY BOY TAKES BITE OF PASTRY, PICKS UP HARMONICA, LOOKS BACK AT PASTRY, PUTS HARMONICA DOWN AND CONTINUES TO EAT]

“I tell you somethin’, this is another fine breakfast food from the peoples who brung you corn flakes so many years ago, so drop your tin sandwich and picks up a Pop Tart, and you won’t be saying lord have mercy no more.”

[FADE MUSIC]

**********

[MUSIC - SCRATCHY AND OLD]

“Hi, there, folks. Blind Lemon Jefferson for Sony digital cameras.”

“You know, despite being totally blind since the age of 3, I still enjoy the relaxing art of photography. And with the new Sony DSC-P20 digital camera, keeping a record of my downtrodden, hand-to-mouth existence is easier than ever.”

[MUSIC - HIP HOP]

“The Sony DSC-P20 has a 1/2.7" 1.1 Million Pixel Effective Super HADTM CCD Image Sensor which captures great looking still images with excellent picture clarity and true-to-life color reproduction. Or at least that’s what they tell me.”

“The 3X Stepless Digital Zoom helps you frame your shots for better digital pictures. Bring distant subjects closer or step back from those nearby to get just the right composition. Or so I done heard.”

“The Auto Focus Illuminator delivers the highest level of focusing accuracy when shooting in low or no-light situations. It’s also a handy feature if, like me, you can’t see shit.”

[OLD MUSIC AGAIN]

“So if you love takin’ pictures as much as I do, take it from old Blind Lemon and get yourself a Sony DSC-P20.”

**********

LIGHTNIN’ HOPKINS: (sings) Mmmmmm, lord, yes here I comes. Fixin’ ta do time for another man, and there ain’t been a thing po’ Lightnin’ done…

LIZA: Lightnin’ Hopkins! How many times I done told you to take yo’ hat off when you in this house?

LIGHTNIN’: I’m a Blues Man, I don’t have to take my hat off nowhere, woman!

LIZA: Blues Man, my foot. You’s ball headed is what you is. Look at this!

[LIZA snatches hat from LIGHTNIN’S head]

LIGHTNIN’: Dammit, woman. That’s my Dobbs!

LIZA: (examining LIGHTNING’S scalp) Unh-hunh! Just as I thought. Male pattern baldness. Whooo-wee, Lightnin’, yo’ hairline’s recedin’ faster than a hound chasin’ a rabbit.

LIGHTNIN’: Gimmie my hat!

LIZA: No, you don’t need a hat. You needs Propecia!

LIGHTNIN’: Propecia what?

LIZA: Propecia, the first and only FDA-approved pill proven to treat male pattern hair loss on the vertex and anterior mid-scalp area in men. Here. Try some.

[“SIX WEEKS LATER”]

LIGHTNIN’: (singing) Lord, I loves my Propecia, better’n I loves myself. Got so much hair, I gots to keep it on a shelf.

LIZA: Oooo, Lightnin’, lemmee run my fingers through that hair o’ yours.

LIGHTNIN’: Have mercy.

LIZA: (to camera) Thanks a heap, Propecia.

VOICE OVER: (spoken more quickly than is humanly possible) Propecia is available by prescription only. Ask your doctor. Some common side effects in clinical studies include less desire for sex, difficulty in achieving an erection, a decrease in the amount of semen, finding another mule kicking in your stall and serving time for crimes you did not commit.

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