"Familiar SPAM"
I get
no less than a dozen e-mails a day offering safe, medically-proven products
to enlarge my penis.
For a while I found this refreshing. Let's face it, the promise of a bigger
penis (or, more accurately, the illusion of one) is the underlying message
behind most every bit of advertisement - sleek, shiny cars, big,
burly trucks, hair growth formula, deodorant. Even, in a less
direct way, Zip-loc bags.
So to just come right out and say it: "Dude, make it bigger!"
was like a breath of fresh air in an otherwise stuffy room of consumer
doublespeak. Finally, some truth! Truth, except for the
ever-so-slight possibility that these products don't actually work.
Once the novelty of truth in e-mail advertising gave way to the annoyance
of volume, I took a new approach. Realizing that SPAM was not likely to
go away any time soon, I decided to give it as little of my life energy
as possible. When checking my e-mail, I'd quickly skim the titles - mortgage
loan, penis enlargement, spy software, weight loss - and delete them at
once. Then I'd forget about them and get on with the rest of my day.
In those days you could spot the SPAM easily: "Fire Your Boss"
and "Bigger Is Better" and "Lose Weight While You Sleep."
You didn't even have to "open" the message, just select
all, delete, done.
But this is no longer the case, as the scumbags who serve up the piping
hot SPAM are attempting to get clever by disguising their comminuques
as e-mails that may have actually come from real people. The idea being,
I suppose, that you open an e-mail you think is from a friend, and then,
before you know it, you're reading the message and realizing that, well,
now that you mention it, I guess I COULD stand to gain a few more inches
where it counts.
With that somewhat in mind, check out some actual, real live
SPAMS that I've received over the past week...
-----
FROM: a8smcpher9@erols.com
SUBJECT: Its me again...
MESSAGE: Hi, I just got a 30 year fixed mortgage at 5.5%!
I found this website where Lenders compete for your business. I thought
you may want to look at it.
COMMENT: Further down in the message is some text that
was supposed to have come from me:
You wrote:
> hey man
> could you please give me that site where
> I can pay a whole bunch less, even on my
> mortgage repayments?
That part almost snagged me, as I'm constantly e-mailing my friends about
how I can "pay a whole bunch less" for stuff.
-----
FROM: dszlauer@canal21.com
SUBJECT: Dinner Plans
MESSAGE: REASONS TO INVEST IN CBYI - A profitable company,
NO DEBT and is on track to beat ALL earnings estimates with increased
revenue of 50% annually! Etc...
COMMENT: Yeah, I'll invest lots of money in this company.
Sure, putting "Dinner Plans" as the subject of their e-mail
was a blatant, sneaky lie, but surely they wouldn't be making up all that
other stuff about how much I could earn. I think I'll fax them a copy
of my VISA card.
-----
FROM: barry70647@yahoo.com
SUBJECT: Secret Technique To Enlarge Your Penis (really)
MESSAGE: NO B.S.!!! Gain 1-4" REAL Inches! You Will
Have A Bigger Penis Using Our System Or We Pay You!
COMMENT: First of all, I don't know where they get off
using both my name and my initials, but the parenthetical "really"
in the subject must really suck people in.
-----
FROM: alienbizer7@hotmail.com
SUBJECT: >>Please Do Not Read This Message!<<
MESSAGE: You have just proven that you do not always
follow the rules. You think for yourself and YOU make intelligent decisions,
based on what YOU believe to be necessary and true. [Investment opportunity
follows...]
COMMENT: So, you're saying that opening up a piece of
obvious junk mail is an intelligent, against-the-grain decision? Gosh,
you make me feel like such a rebel. So...dangerous. OK, I'll buy some
of it, whatever it is.
-----
FROM: menco@polbox.com
SUBJECT: Barry, Bigger, Fuller Breasts Naturally In Just
Weeks
MESSAGE: Guaranteed to increase, lift and firm your breasts
in 60 days or your money back!!
Absolutely no side effects!
Be more self confident!
Be more comfortable in bed!
No more need for a lift or support bra!
COMMENT: Um, now that I think about it, I may have actually
put my name on this company's mailing list.
-----
(Next time: Barry feels more self confident with no side
effects.)
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