“It's Hue I Fear”

This week the Office of Homeland Security unveiled a new color-coded U.S. threat advisory system to create “a national framework and a common vocabulary.”

The Office of Homeland Security has been working for months to develop this plan, based on state and local government complaints that the general threat warnings issued by the federal government did not give them enough information to respond effectively.

The idea is to assign a perceived level of danger with a color, thus allowing the government and the private sector to be on the same page. Or, perhaps more accurately, using the same crayon.

Here is the result of those months of work. Read it, learn it, fear it:

Red - Severe. Terrorist activity on a specific target may be imminent under this warning. Protective measures may include assigning emergency response personnel and monitoring, redirecting or constraining transportation systems.

Orange - High. A terrorist threat may be likely. Protective measures may include coordinating necessary security efforts with armed forces or law enforcement agencies.

Yellow - Elevated. Yellow indicates an increased and predictable threat of terrorist activity. May necessitate increasing surveillance of critical locations. Also, very difficult to read on this page. (The U.S. is currently operating in code Yellow.)

Blue - Guarded. General risk of terrorist attack.

Green - Low. The lowest risk of terrorist attack.

Wow. That’s some piece of work. Five levels, increasing in severity, each with a color code. How the Office of Homeland Security managed to come up with something so revolutionary and ingenious while working within the constrains of a $37.7 billion budget is a true testament to American ingenuity.

I wonder what some of the other ideas for this system were? You know, the rough drafts. The rejects. The brainstorms that got left on the cutting room floor. I wonder…

*****

Short - Low threat.

Tall - A little more threat.

Grande - Getting pretty serious.

Mucho Grande - Got a bad feeling about this. Watch it.

Mucho Grande (with room for cream) - Run for it, dude.

*****

Banana - Everything’s pretty cool. Take a hot tub.

Kiwi - Hey, what’s my neighbor up to?

Grapefruit - Yeah, he says his name is “Smith,” but doesn’t he look a bit dark for a “Smith?”

Cumquat - I notice you have an accent of some sort.

Lemon - You call it a hat, I say it’s a turban.

*****

One Potato - Protective measures may include running down the street screaming your fool head off for no apparent reason.

Two Potato - Protective measures may include hysterical phone calls to talk radio shows.

Three Potato - Protective measures may include plastering your SUV with American flag stickers.

Four - Protective measures may include regretting all that importance you placed on career advancement for the past 40 years.

*****

Black - Gothic. Potential threat of droning, repetitive music with Great Satanic overtones. Body piercings. Parental rebellion. Eyeliner.

Lavender - Upset. Terrorists in a “mood.” Expect excessive blaming, jealousy, conversations that you can’t win. Serious potential for the unexpected dragging up long forgotten, insignificant events from the past and using them against you. High alert.

Periwinkle - Festive. Terrorists feeling a bit saucy.

Gray - Blah. Terrorists having an off day. No particular interest in things that usually excite them. Reconsidering whole terrorist thing. Low threat.

Teal - Pensive. Terrorists not quite depressed, but really feeling like hunkering down with a good book, realizing that this is necessary from time to time for the overall health of mind, body and spirit. Tomorrow will be another day.

*****

Eenie - We’re all gonna die!

Meenie - We’re all gonna die!

Miney - We’re all gonna die!

Moe - We’re all gonna die!

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