“Diary of a Flagger”

2/04
BIG NEWS! "Diary of a Flagger" is now a major motion picture! Well, sort of...Tell you what - first, enjoy the column, then I'll explain below.
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9:00 am - Made it through the morning rush without much incident, except for a strained rotator cuff during some particularly aggressive traffic. People are sheep, I truly believe that, and they need the strong, consistent, repetitive, slowly descending hand of a qualified highway flagger like myself to get the message across that they must go slow.

Yet no one makes eye contact with me. I mean, they slow down, but it as if they don't even see my skillfully motioning hand or the big SLOW sign I am holding, whether I wag it at them or not. I may as well be holding a sign that says "SQUID."

I feel the icy grip of boredom clutching at my soul, as I do each day about this time, and I wonder if today will be the day that I finally lose my sanity.

10:20 am - I spend my morning break putting black duct tape on my sign to make it spell "SQUID" instead of "SLOW," in order to test the theory I have just come up with.

Noon - I have written another poem:

I am Flagger, You Flagee
You must slow down when you see me
Your speed determined by my hand
Your will is now at my command
The limit's 20, not 23
I am Flagger, You Flagee

Granted, all my poems lately seem to start with "I am Flagger, You Flagee," and I guess it is true that they are all pretty much on the same theme ... that deep, archetypal struggle between man and traffic, but I really like this one. I should have enough for an anthology soon.

1:30 pm - Since the "SQUID" sign went unnoticed, I have decided to take my experiment to the next level. My hypothesis is that the conscious mind of the commuter does not take in any new information after the first week of driving through construction traffic, and since this project has been going on for several months now, I think that I (and my SLOW/STOP sign) am at this point only being perceived on a subconscious level.

In other words, if I were to take a poll, the commuters who slow down, seemingly in response to my skillful hand gestures, would not have any memory of me and would not, unless hypnotized, be able to tell you why they slowed down.

However, since taking a poll really isn't practical, I spent my lunch hour re-taping my sign to say "SUCK" instead of "STOP." Also, I had a baloney and cheese sandwich.

2:15 pm - Just as I suspected. People still stop when I flash the "SUCK" sign, and they still slow down when I waggle the "SQUID" sign. Now, in keeping with the scientific method, I must begin to alter my hand gestures.

3:00 pm - I don't want to get too excited too soon, but I must admit that I am already beginning to draft my acceptance speech for Outstanding Scientific Achievement In The Field Of Traffic Control!

Here are the results of the latest phase of my experiment, the Altered Hand Gestures.

GESTURE - Slightly modified "slow down" motion, only with more of a swaying back and forth as the hand goes towards the ground.

TRAFFIC RESPONSE - Slowed down.

GESTURE - Hand is still moving towards ground, only now in a jerky, large zig-zag pattern.

TRAFFIC RESPONSE - Slowed down.

GESTURE - Drawing from my 80's days as an avid club goer, I started a "wave" in my left arm which then traveled to my upper torso, down to my feet, back up my body and then out my right arm, which is holding the "SQUID." I often followed the "wave" with a quick pirouette and, occasionally, the splits.

TRAFFIC RESPONSE - Slowed down.

GESTURE - Twirled my free hand overhead in a "lasso" motion while straddling my sign and clopping my feet as if I were atop a galloping horsie.

TRAFFIC RESPONSE - Slowed down.

3:30 pm - Just a few more experiments and I will have conclusive proof for my invisibility hypothesis. I spend my break making a few more notes for my acceptance speech and doing a little more duct tape alteration on my sign. By the end of the day I will have made scientific history.

4:30 pm - My experiment has hit an unexpected snag with only half an hour left until quitting time. The foreman, who somehow approached without ME seeing HIM (note to self: Foreman Invisibility? Consider theory for research later on) and wanted an explanation for my actions. I tried explaining my theory to him, and that I had almost eliminated all the variables, but I don't think he's much of a scientist. He seemed more interested in yelling at me to put my pants back on and to not duct tape "SHIT" on my sign anymore or I'm fired.

5:00 pm - Wrote another poem:

I am Flagger, You Flagee
I'm begging now on bended knee
Please, won't someone notice me
I am Flagger, You Flagee

[Note to self: Tomorrow, begin testing theory that certain facial expressions give me telekenetic powers.]

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Yes, "Diary of a Flagger" has been made into a short (11min) film written and directed by Barry Smith and produced by Arman Boyles. It debuted at Aspen ShortsFest in the spring of '03, won a GRAND JURY AWARD FOR BEST COMEDY SHORT at Baltimore's MicroCineFest in Oct '03, and is currently making the film festival rounds. Get some more info (and buy your copy) HERE.

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