"Meditation Tape"

Welcome to Beginner's Mind Meditation Series, Volume One. You are listening to the first cassette in this series. Please adjust the volume to a comfortable level.

Well, the volume is fine, but is that all the bass I'm going to get out of this thing?

Now, let us begin. Sit comfortably in a chair with your feet flat on the floor and your hands resting in your lap.

OK...sitting comfortably. OK...I can do this meditation thing. Sitting comfortably, hands in lap. Ahhhh.

Take a deep breath and slowly release it.

Wait, should I have been holding my breath up until now? Am I already behind? Maybe I should rewind it.

Inhale.

Whatever. I'll just go from here.

Exhale.

Whew ... feeling a little light-headed. How much more of this exhaling is there gonna be, I wonder, before we get to the cosmic insight part? Maybe I should fast forward it.

Now, begin to empty your mind of all thoughts.

No problem there. I am all about clearing the mind. Stillness. Yep, I do loves me some stillness.

As thoughts come up, simply let them drift by without attaching to them.

That's kinda poetic. Drifting thoughts. That would make a nice song. Kind of a folky song. Drifting thoughts, da da da.

Gradually quieting your mind.

But a rap version would be pretty good, too. Thoughts are drifting, the beats I'm lifting, rolling down the alley while the stick I'm shifting. Bumbph, boomph bumbph, bumbph...

Engulfed in stillness.

Oh, right. Stillness. Ahem. What has it been, now, like two hours?

Shutting off your internal dialogue.

Wouldn't it technically be a monologue? I mean, there's only one of me. Oh, man, that's really gonna bug me. Monologue or dialogue? Maybe I should pause the tape real fast and look that up.

Quieter.

If I don't look it up now then I'll totally forget, and it really is something I may need to know some day. Plus, it'll totally distract me from this whole stillness thing, even worse than if I was thinking about sex.

And quieter.

Shit! Now I'm thinking about sex. OK ... don't think about sex.

Inhale.

Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex.

Exhale.

OK, that didn't work. Maybe I should take my hands out of my lap.

Picture a golden light encircling your head.

Good. Hands by my side. That helped. Hey ... there's a golden light encircling my head. What the hell is that all about?

Working its way down your chakras.

Chakra Kahn ... Chakra Kahn ... Ya know, I'm kinda hungry.

Releasing your kundalini.

Kundalini. Eenie Meenie. Beans and Weenies. Mmmm, beans and weenies. I haven't had that since I was a kid.

You are now in a state of utter stillness.

Or peanut butter and banana sandwiches. I haven't had one of those in ages. That used to be my favorite. And meat loaf.

Your mind stilled, you are directly connected with the divine Source of Oneness.

I think I have some bananas. And I must have peanut butter. That would be pretty sad to not have any peanut butter in the house. How totally adult. Maybe I'm more of an adult than I want to admit. If I don't have bread I could run to the store.

Enjoy your respite from the din of internal chatter, and joyously receive the blessings of the Universe.

Nose itches. Would scratching it be OK? I don't want to undo any of the good work I've done here so far, but it itches really bad, and it's even more distracting than when I was thinking about sex, which I guess I'm doing again. My nose itches and I'm thinking about sex. Do I suck at this meditation thing, or what? Wait, I read somewhere that you aren't supposed to judge yourself while meditating, which I just did, proving how much I suck .... Maybe I could just mix the peanut butter with the banana, then I wouldn't have to go to the store ...

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