"New Christmas Songs"

I love Christmas, because Christmas means Christmas songs, and Christmas songs means the chance to put new words to the tunes that have been drilled into me since birth. And I mean "drilled" in a cozy, festive, fa la la la la la la la sort of way.

Have a Hilly Billy Christmas
(Tune of "Have a Holly Jolly Christmas")

Have a hilly billy Christmas;
It's a dang good time of year
Giggin' frogs in your overalls
And your pick-up filled with beer
Have a hilly billy Christmas;
Before you eat your Christmas squirrel
Bow your head and give your thanks
To Jesus and Minnie Pearl

Oh, ho, the mistletoe
We all think it's aw-sum;
It's the secret ingredient
In Grandma's yuletide possum.
Have a hilly billy Christmas
And in case y'all didn't hear
The football game is startin'
Woman, get me a beer.

I'll Be Stoned For Christmas
(Tune of "I'll Be Home For Christmas")

I'll be stoned for Christmas;
You can count on me.
Please have chips and salsa dips
And a pint of Ben and Jerry's.
Christmas Eve will find me
Watching old cartoons.
Yes, I'll be stoned for Christmas
Just like I've been since June.

O Christmas Tree
(Tune of - get this - "O Christmas Tree")

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree!
How are thy leaves so verdant!
O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
I should probably look up "verdant!"

This song is lame as it can be
I'm singing to a goddam tree
O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
I hope no one is looking!

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
I bought you in a parking lot!
O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
That takes some of the mystique out of you!

This song is worse than a tour of 'Nam
At least I don't call you a "Tannenbaum"
O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
I still don't know what "verdant" means!

I'm Dreaming of a Whitey Christmas
(Tune of "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas")

I'm dreaming of a Whitey Christmas
In an Aryan sort of way
I'm not in the Klan
Though I dig on their plan
Please don't misconstrue what I say

I'm dreaming of a Whitey Christmas
With every racial slur I write
May your race be pure and bright
And convince yourself your ancestors were white

Driving in a Winter Wonderland
(Tune of "Walking in a Winter Wonderland")

Horns are honking, are you listening?
On the snow, headlights glisten
I speed through the night
I'm ridin' my brights
Driving in a winter wonderland

Gone away is the sidewalk
Here to stay is the car park
Using your feet
Is so obsolete
Driving in a winter wonderland

In the meadow we'll run down a snowman
The kids will say that we are a disgrace
They'll ask if we're sorry, we'll say, "No, man"
"Frosty's clearly in my parking space."

Christmas time is a bummer
If you're not in a Hummer
We're gasoline whores
We love the "outdoors"
By driving in a winter wonderland

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