"Night Before Christmas"

'Twere the night before Christmas
And in the White House
Not a creature could enter
(They'd detained a mouse)

The maps of Iraq
Were all hung up with care
In hopes that the ground units
Soon would be there

Our warheads were nestled
All snug in the ground
While visions of firepower
Danced all around

And I in my cow hat
And black leather gloves
I felt like Slim Pickins
In "Doctor Strangelove"

On the lawn was the tree
All festive and Christ-y
But a war was a-brewin'
And I's feelin' feisty

When all of a sudden
Came a thump on the ceiling
I jumped out of my chair
And I started a-squealing

And I squealed and I hollered
And I shouted and hissed
"Terrorists! Terrorists!
Terror-or-iiiiiiiists!"

A blatant attack
Once again on our soil
I called to my counsel
All united in oil

"On Powell! On Rumsfeld!
Give 'em all that you've got.
On Ashcroft! On Rice!
Uh ... but not you, Trent Lott."

"They're up on the roof!
I can hear 'em a-clumpin'
We must save the country
Start shootin' or sump'in'"

Then down through the chimney
The first one descended
Taking us by surprise
All alone, undefended

And there stood the enemy
It was worse than I feared
It's Osama bin Laden
(You could tell by the beard)

He was dressed in traditional
Terrorist wear
Black boots and a pipe
And long scraggly hair

His eyes were insane
And his belly was swollen
And I yelled out in fright,
"Tackle him, Colin!"

And Powell, he clipped him
And they both hit the floor
(It's my chance to speak Spanish!)
"Bueno, senior."

And onto the ground
Spilled some stuff from his sack
"Don't touch it," said I
"It might be Anthrack."

"Anthrax," said Rumsfeld,
Correcting my verbage
"Whatever," I said,
(With a bit of perturbage)

"Ho, ho, ho," said Osama
As he rose to his feet
After Donny and Condi
Had frisked him for heat

"Ho, ho, ho?" I repeated
"What in tarnation?
Who here speaks Islamic?
We need a translation!"

But Osama, he chuckled
Like he'd just heard a joke
So I throttled his gullet
And he started to choke

"What's he brought in here with him?"
I said over my shoulder
"Probably a nuke,
They just keep getting bolder."

I held tight round the throat
Of this old scalawag
While Colin and Donny
Dug around in the bag

"Little tin horns," Powell said
"And little toy drums.
Rooty-toot-toots
And rummy tum tums."

"Little dolls," added Rumsfeld,
"That cuddle and coo
Elephants, boats
And kiddie cars too."

"Kiddie cars?" I said,
Releasing Osama
"I got one of those once,
As a gift from my Momma."

And I plopped myself down
In his big pile of goods
And I banged on that drum
Just as best as I could

And I blew on that tin horn
And rang on the chime
(And I hoped no one noticed
It was past my bedtime)

And Osama, unguarded
Slipped out of our sight
He got back on the roof
Disappeared in the night

But I heard him exclaim
With a slight mocking drawl
"Merry Christmas, America
And may Gawd help you all."

home

sign up to get
irrelativity
(yes, free)

read the
archives

buy stuff you
suddenly need

revealing info
about me