"Night Before Christmas"

'Twas the night before Christmas
All alone in my house
I was watching TV
'Cause I don't have a spouse

I was chillin' with herb
(He's as close as my brother)
Sinking into the couch
Watching something or other

With the TV a-blaring
And my head full of static
When all of a sudden
Came a noise in the attic

I bolted upright
Nearly swallowed my spliff
Could this be an intruder?
I was scared - frozen stiff

And then I heard footsteps
Make their way down the stairs
And the door opened quickly
Catching me unawares

Behold, it was Santa!
Shoulda guessed it'd be him
He was decked out in red
With white fur on the trim

His big beard was wispy
Like a fine misty willow
But his belly looked lumpy
As if stuffed with a pillow

Yes, jolly old Santa
Like he'd leapt from my mind
There he stood right before me
(Man, this bud is the kind!)

But why use the stairs
For this auspicious meeting?
Oh yeah, I've no chimney
'Cause I have central heating

"Ho ho...ho," Santa stammered
"Um...ho, ho, and good golly."
But his words sounded strained
And a far cry from jolly

'Twas then that I noticed
A small note in his hand
He was reading a speech!
Like the whole thing was canned

And then down the stairs
Came a good dozen others
Each one dressed like then next
Like a bunch of twin brothers

They wore suits made of gray
And mirrored sunglasses
And they swirled around Santa
As if made of molasses

"Fan out," hollered Santa
"Have a good hearty look
Search inside every cupboard
Every cranny and nook!"

And the suits went to work
Leaving nothing unturned
(While I swallowed the weed
That I hadn't yet burned)

"Find him," screamed Santa
"He's the cause of my sorrow
I want him and me
On the front page tomorrow!"

"Cause I promised my daddy
And I swore to my momma
That by Christmas I'd have
Both Saddam and Osama!"

"So damn the amendments
It's worse than you feared
We'll flush out bin Laden
And shave off his beard!"

"And then we'll have freedom
And peace will endure!
(Until we declare
Our next Bad Guy du jour.)"

Then he ripped off his coat
And he whipped off his hat
And removed his fake beard
Just as easy as that

He hunched slightly forward
Rubbed his hands as if greedy
His eyes shone like coals
Close together and beady

Clearly this wasn't Santa
(As he wasn't hirsute)
For now he was wearing
A jet pilot's suit

A man dressed in gray
Came and stood at attention
"The place is all clear, sir
We searched where you mentioned."

"We've got a big night, sir,
I suggest that we leave."
Then he muttered "10-4"
In the cuff of his sleeve

But the man who's not Santa
Said, "Just one quick question."
Then he looked down at me
"Son...are you a Christian?"

Still stunned on my couch
(And still a bit high)
I gazed at faux Santa
Looked him dead in the eye

Though he looked cute and chimp-like
His manner was caustic
I swallowed and answered
"Nope, I'm an agnostic."

"Code Blue," screamed ex-Santa
"Major terrorist threat!
Or is it 'Code Orange?'
Damn, I always forget."

They all turned for the stairs
And started to run
And once on the roof
Jumped aboard Sleigh Force One

"On Rumsfeld! on Ridge!
On Condi! On Cheney
On - wait, who's the black guy?
The one who's so brainy?"

"On Patriot Act
On Preemptive Strike
On bombing whoever the hell
We don't like!"

And I heard him exclaim
As he sailed through the air
"Merry Christmas, America!
All y'all others, beware!"

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