"Night Before Christmas"

'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house,
You could hear CNN
Blare the news they espouse.

My tree all adorned
Red and blue decoration
(In a nod to our sharply
Divided great nation.)

When all of a sudden
There came such a ruckus,
That I bolted downstairs
To see what the heck it was.

And there by the fireplace
Stood a man dressed in red,
With a cowboy hat perched
On the top of his head.

His eyes were quite beady
Like two little coals,
And seemed just a little
Too close to his nose.

His ears they protruded
Leaving me but to think,
"My God, Darwin's right
It's the real missing link!"

"Ho, ho," said the man,
As his jaw went quite slack.
Then he twisted and turned
And pawed at his back.

All at once did I notice
The bulky square packet,
Protruding from under
His festive red jacket.

He muttered aloud,
"Darn thing's outta commission."
Then he said to his sleeve,
"Ya'll repeat that transmission!"

Then he gazed towards the heavens
Like a good Baptist pastor,
Like a hound dog awaiting
Commands from his master.

He cocked his head slightly
As if trying to listen,
Then he seemed to hear something
That made his eyes glisten.

"Ho, ho, HO's what I meant!
Ho, ho, HO I declare!"
He said as he gave me
A well-rehearsed stare.

"I'm Sandy," he said,
Then he gave a slight pause.
"No wait, I'm Santa!
That's right, Santa Clause!"

"No you're not," I responded
"You can't fool me like that,
You're President Bush
I can tell by the hat."

"Mayday," he hollered,
Once again to his sleeve.
"My cover is blown,
It's time that I leave."

"But where's the real Santa?"
I said with great vim.
"What have you paranoid clowns
Done with him?"

Meanwhile, as they'd say
In a comic book page,
In a secret location
Santa's locked in a cage.

He's been stripped of his dignity
His clothes and his hat.
(They even took photos
While he stood there like that.)

Santa seemed hazy
A bit out of touch.
(Electrodes on his "South Pole"
Didn't help much.)

"OK," said the agent
"Don't make us ask twice,
Just tell us who's naughty,
And tell us who's nice."

"You're the king of surveillance
and we want your list,
So we can root out
Every last terrorist."

And Santa protested,
"These aren't terrorist cells
They're kids telling fibs
And pulling pigtails!"

"They're sweet and mischievous
Just like Tom Sawyer,
And I'll not say a word
'Til I speak with my lawyer."

"Lawyer?" they laughed
"Oh, is that a fact?
I see you've not heard
Of The Patriot Act!"

"You're detained as a suspected
Threat to this nation.
I'm afraid you're denied
Legal representation."

"What's more we can keep you
Until we get through.
At this point, Kris Kringle
It's them or it's you."

"Get with it, Old Man,
Stop protecting the kiddies.
Today they pull pigtails,
But soon they'll bomb cities!"

"We'll get to them early,
We'll whisk them away.
We'll raise them as Christians
And force them to pray."

"Now give up the list
Or we'll find it ourselves.
I bet we'll have much better
Luck with your elves."

And throughout the night
They commenced to condemn,
In the strange name of freedom,
And us against them.

And somewhere in Texas
Stood a man on a roof,
His country still loves him
Four more years is his proof.

He was heard to exclaim
With a hearty guffaw:
"Merry Christmas, America,
Yeeeeeeee Haw!

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