"Politics"
“Hi, Barry, we’re doing a talk show on the role of independent
political candidates and I’d like you to be on the panel,”
said the voice of a friend from my message machine.
“Oh, that’s right,” I thought to myself as I pushed
the “erase” button. “I forgot to tell everyone that
I’m a complete and total phony.”
Maybe you already knew this about me, but I’ve only come to terms
with it recently and am now ready to “out” myself.
Ahem! Attention everyone … I really don’t care about politics.
Man that feels so good to say.
From my years of pretending, I know all the reasons I’m supposed
to care, because like any good phony, I spent lots of time and energy
telling others that they should be exactly the way I’m pretending
to be.
Go on, say it: Ivory tower. Privileged American. Irresponsible white boy.
All good points. But I just can’t pretend anymore … the phoniness
was tearing me up inside. I don’t care about politics.
Foreign policy? No. Foreign foods? Yum.
Electoral college? Nope. Clown college? Cool.
I know, I know, really … I know all this stuff - I’m supposed
to not take for granted that I live in a land where I can partake in democracy,
and people have killed and died so that I can enjoy living in a free society
and shouldn’t I be encouraging people to get out there and participate
or writing my congressman about something? Well, I’ve tried. But
when I sit down to write my congressman the only think I can think to
ask is if he’s heard the new Tom Waits album.
No, just kidding … I don’t even know who my congressman is.
It’s a congresswoman for all I know, and I don’t even care
enough to look it up.
Whew! I feel such a weight lifted!
Swing states? Nope. Swing sets. Yep.
Campaign trails? No thanks. Seeing trails? Yes, please.
I’ve written political columns in the past, and they were all based
on my incredibly one-dimensional political understandings; the Cliffs
Notes version of whatever current event I was commenting on: Clinton likes
sex, Bush is dumb, and Barry is a phony, looking up all
his political facts on the Internet and then dropping them casually as
if it’s something he thinks and talks about all day long.
I didn’t watch a single minute of the debates, and I didn’t
watch the news or read the papers or go online to see what I may have
missed. I did catch wind of the theory that Bush (I think that’s
his name) had a square mass on his back that some thought was a receiving
device. I went to www.isbushwired.com
and checked it out, not because of the political ramifications of having
a President who is unable to speak for himself, but to see what kind of
cool gadget it may have been. And in case I needed to make a joke about
it, so that people could continue to think that I care about politics.
Independent candidates? Nope. Independent films. Definitely.
Debate analysis? No. Making a joke about which one is the “master
debater?” Oh, yeah.
Four years ago I got real excited about the Nader campaign. I wrote way
too many columns about it and the election and globalization and how there’s
no difference between blah blah blah, which is probably why I was invited
to be on a show about independents. At the time I really thought that
I cared, but looking back I see that it was a forced caring, not a sincere
one, like the way I care about the newest products from Apple Computer,
or getting a DVD of the first season of “Chappelle's Show.”
Don’t misunderstand me: I’m not saying that YOU shouldn’t
care - It’s just that when I look deep within, in that
quiet place where my Real Personal Truth resides, I find that I’m
more concerned with not overtoasting my Pop Tarts than I am about politics.
And I’m only mildly fond of Pop Tarts.
Thanks for listening, and don’t forget to vote
on Nov. 15.
Next Time: Barry is tired of pretending to care about sports, too…and
you are there!
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