"Predictions for 2004"
Top
psychics agree, 2004 will be the year that will immediately follow 2003,
both numerically and chronologically. Man, they're good.
As each new year dawns, I like to try my own hand at prognostication.
Regular readers may recall that last year I made several predictions which
have, as of yet, failed to come true, specifically that one about the
mayonnaise epidemic. But occasionally I do manage to foretell with eerie
accuracy, such as my 2002 prediction of the second world war, which happened
a mere 50 or so years earlier.
OK, look, I'm not a top psychic, but I know which way the wind blows AND
I've seen the writing on the wall, so, here goes...
PREDICTIONS FOR 2004
* I will continue to toss off words like "prognostication"
as if they just roll from my extensive vocabulary, living in constant
fear that someone will find out that I found it in the thesaurus as a
synonym for "predict." And that it took me a while to figure
out how to spell "predict." And "thesaurus." Basically
another anxiety-laden year for me.
* Reality TV will reach its apex with the NBC hit show,
"You!" Network employees will mount a series of cameras in your
house, workplace, neighborhood, ect...and when you turn on your TV you
are watching... You! Yes, You! All day, every day, forever. And everyone
else is watching themselves, too, but who cares about them ... "You!"
is on! When you get home and turn on the TV, there you are, watching
TV! You can get snacks during the commercials so as not to miss a bit
of the action.
* Partly cloudy, chance of showers.
* Somebody, somewhere, will utter, "Great googly
moogly." Probably me, now that I think about it.
* Love will conquer the world, and peace and harmony
will reign. This will be terrible news for an awful lot of people.
* Osama bin Laden will be found... right around election
time ... looking a lot like Rip Van Winkle.
* Cars that run on water! Except they get about one mile
per 800 gallons (700 gallons highway), necessitating a fuel tank the size
of an Olympic swimming pool for even the shortest of trips. Despite this,
water prices will shoot to $2.05 a gallon.
* U.S. forces will launch a preemptive strike against
the Fiji Islands. Critics will claim this is a ploy to exploit their plentiful
water resources, but the White House will maintain that Fiji has the capability
of manufacturing Coconuts of Mass Destruction and must
be stopped at all costs. Protesters take to the streets with their "No
Slaughter for Water" signs.
* In March, TV commentators will briefly consider the
possibility that loud does not equal right, and that interruption is not
the same as counterpoint. Don't blink!
* Apple Computer unveils the iPad, a dramatic merging
of the previously disparate worlds of feminine hygiene and portable music
technology. Available for Windows in 2005.
* Barstow - the new Tibet.
* A whole bunch of people will have good lives, go about
their days, love their family, hang out with friends, laugh a lot and
just generally enjoy themselves. But this is the last you'll hear of it.
* Election 2004 - Due to all other presidential candidates
having met grisly ends in a series of sports-specific "accidents"
(bowling, bumper cars, whack-a-mole), the only two candidates left will
be Bush and Buchanan, and as a result of a typographical "oversight,"
all printed ballots contain only Bush's name. The White
House will issue a national press release reading only: "Oh, don't
act so surprised!"
* A very scrupulous December! Or whatever!
* A big-name celebrity will die, and even though you
never met them, and have never really given them more than the occasional,
fleeting thought, mostly while reading People in the checkout line, you
will experience a deep sense of personal loss and feel the need to discuss
it with others until your lunch order arrives.
* There will be a poignant upheaval around the first
full moon of August, when the planet Mercury goes direct. Also, Neptune
in Aquarius continues to spiritualize the physical as Uranus
transits through Pisces. So, you know ... watch it!
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