"Repeat That..."

My package should have arrived days ago. I was getting worried. I called up the handy Federal Express 800 number and navigated my way through the push-button menu until I got to the "track your package" part.

I entered the seemingly hundred-digit tracking number on my touch tone phone, and mere seconds elapsed before I heard a pleasant, almost perky, computerized female voice say:

"Your package has arrived at the FedEx ground location in …"

Pause.

"What can I help you with now?"

Notice the lack of that crucial bit of information? That little missing word? You know, the actual location in question. Yeah, I noticed it, too.

The "woman" continued:

"You can say ‘repeat that,’ or ‘track another package.’ For other FedEx tracking services, say ‘menu,’ or if you are done, just hang up."

I said, "Repeat that."

"Your package has arrived at the FedEx ground location in …"

Yes? Where? Where is my package?

"What can I help you with now?"

My heart quickened just a bit, in a way that only being mad at a computer can quicken the heart.

"You can say ‘repeat that,’ or ‘track another package.’ For other FedEx tracking services, say ‘menu,’ or …"

"REPEAT THAT!"

In the same way that Americans are convinced that everyone can understand English that is spoken slowly and with enough volume, I reasoned that saying "repeat that" in a stern, impatient voice would get this "woman" to actually finish her sentence.

"Your package has arrived at the FedEx ground location in …"

Deeeep breath.

"What can I help you with now?"

Getting angry is not going to make this any better.

"You can say ‘repeat that,’ or ‘track another package.’ For other FedEx tracking services, say ‘menu,’ or if you are done, just hang up."

"Fuck!" I said, louder than I meant to.

There was a bit of a pause, long enough for a chance to reflect on the situation: I am yelling profanities at a computer.

I think it’s a safe bet that most of us have directed profanity at an electronic device at some point. Right? An ATM, a traffic light, a VCR. If you have a home computer then you’ve certainly blamed it for one thing or another in a language that you couldn’t use on prime time TV.

"Please say ‘repeat that,’ ‘track another package,’ or ‘menu.’"

I repeated the F-word, only this time in all caps and with three exclamation marks. Over the phone. To a computer.

I thought about that famous scene from "2001: A Space Odyssey," and how dated it now seemed. Who could have foreseen that by the turn of the century the reality of Dave’s confrontation with HAL 2000 would, in reality, more closely resemble a scene from "COPS" that was shot in a Tennessee trailer court?

"Open the pod bay door, HAL."

"I can’t do that, Dave."

"I said open the goddam door, you Windows ‘95 runnin’ piece o’ shit. You sass me again and I’ll beat you like yo’ daddy did. Now open the pod bay door and get me a beer."

Of course, maybe that’s just me.

"I think you said ‘help.’ Is that correct?" the FedEx computer finally said, in response to the word which, apart from having the same number of letters, wasn’t even close to the word "help."

"I can repeat the tracking information for you now if you press 1," said the computer.

Even thought I knew where it would lead, I pressed 1. Hard.

"Your package has arrived at the FedEx ground location in …"

"What can I help you with now?"

"You can say ‘repeat that,’ or ‘track another package.’ For other FedEx tracking services, say ‘menu,’ or if you are done, just hang up."

"DIE!"

"I think you said ‘menu,’ is that correct?"

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