"Replacing Roy"

According to a reliable news source, following last week's onstage mauling of Roy Horn by a 600-pound tiger, Siegfried & Roy's show at the MGM Mirage has been canceled indefinitely.

The show's 267 employees have been told to look for new jobs, and Mirage execs have been huddling to find a replacement for the magical duo, whose $110-a-ticket show generate more than $44 million a year for the casino.

Man, if only I could get five minutes with those huddling executives.

If only...

"Gentlemen, when news of Roy's mauling was announced, a shocked nation all shared the same sentiment: 'Hey, now THAT'S a show I would have gladly shelled out 110 bucks for!'

"Imagine how much more people would pay to see zany prop comic and long distance pitchman Carrot Top get mauled on a nightly basis? Hear me out, now: 'Siegfried and Carrot Top!' Siggy could continue to orchestrate illusions with the help of any number of properly coiffed stage hands, and for a finale Carrot Top would come out and stand next to a giant pay phone."

"Still with me? Just as he's about to explain the merits of dialing down the center, an albino tiger leaps from the change return slot, grabbing Carrot Top by the throat and carrying him up the aisle and into the lobby, where exiting patrons could get their picture taken next to his twitching carcass. If Carrot Top isn't game, I'm sure Siegfried and Celine would be an equally huge draw."

"No? OK, how about this - Rumsfeld and Copperfield Present The Tom Ridge Homeland Security Revue! As we all know, magician David Copperfield is famous for making the space shuttle and the statue of liberty disappear. Well, how about if we have him whisk away some civil liberties faster than you can say 'Terrorist Collaborator Kadabra?' See where this is going? I'm seeing an elaborate airport terminal stage set - total audience participation - we line everyone up and make them 'pretend' to go through security, and during a random cavity search Copperfield produces ...an elephant! An EXPLODING elephant. Then Rumsfeld magically proves this elephant's ties to al-Qaida. Where are those Weapons of Mass Destruction? Why, right there behind Saddam's ear, of course! Ta da!"

"Um, still huddling, are we? OK, check this out: 'Delbert and Cynthia!' Cynthia is a ravishing transvestite. Delbert has intestinal parasites. TRAINED intestinal parasites. Cynthia dances around a bit and then, while music plays, suggestively inserts one of those video scope thingies down Delbert's throat. We see the camera snake down Delbert's throat on the giant video screen. Eventually it reaches his stomach, revealing these microscopic parasite bastards. They jump through tiny flaming hoops, dance around in cages and maybe do a big chorus line number for the finale."

"No? OK. I know what you're thinking. We need less tiny bugs and more actual animals with real danger. Cool. Mmmmm...OK, got it! Jim Bob and Willie and their Mangy Alley Cats. We dress these guys up in overalls, yeah? And they've got all these scabby strays wandering the stage, and Willie gathers them all up - in a hilariously well-choreographed hillbilly slapstick routine - and puts them all in a big transparent plastic box. Then - get this - he gets in the box with them, and Jim Bob shakes it around, getting these cats all riled up and they start batting Willie around like a giant ball of yarn!

Well, it turns out that Willie, much to the simultaneous delight and horror of the crowd, is actually ALLERGIC to cats, so he gets out of the box all itchy and puffy-eyed and sneezy and the whole bit. And if we want to incorporate the magic angle, we can have the guys get locked in an old abandoned refrigerator behind a shed and try to escape before their air runs out. Or something."

"Anyway, thanks for your time. So I guess I'll just, uh...I guess I'll just wait out in the lobby, yeah? Cool. Thanks."

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