"The Same Old Me"

Wealth will not change me.

I mean, I’ll still be the same old me.

I’ll still snap my fingers at people in the service industry, demand chilled salad forks, tell people that I’m going to have them fired for the slightest hint of insubordination.

Oh, I might have a few statues of myself built in public parks, light my cigars with hundred dollar bills rather than quarters, maybe have some of my more run-of-the-mill possessions fur-lined, but overall, I think I’ll remain pretty much the same.

Fame will not change me.

I’ll still be the same old me.

I’ll still assume that all applause I hear is for me and me alone. I’ll still feel the need to wear costumes when I leave the house in order to protect my deep need for privacy. I’ll still exclaim “Do you know who I am?” when things are not going my way.

Oh, I might lend my name to a new perfume scent, maybe write, direct and star in an my own life story, perhaps stand in a different line at film festivals, but overall, I’ll just be good old me.

Invisibility will not change me.

I’ll still be the same old me.

Waiters will still refuse eye contact when I am looking for a table. Beautiful women will still look through me as if I were naked and made of glass. I’ll still gawk rudely at people who are doing something they would rather no one see. I’ll still publicly perform acts of grooming and hygiene that most people prefer to take care of in the privacy of their house or car.

True, I might spend more of my time holding things in the air in front of people, so that they appear to be floating mysteriously, and going “WoooOOOooo,” and, let’s be honest, an increase in lingerie store dressing room visits. Friends will probably think I’ve changed, but I think that, on the inside, I’ll still be me.

X-ray vision will not change me.

I’ll still squint, wear glasses, and bump my head on low hanging light fixtures. Sure, I’ll probably examine more handbag contents when boarding airplanes, peer through more bedroom doors and just generally see more people naked. Still, though … it’s just me.

Telekinesis will not change me.

I’ll still reach from the kitchen table for the jelly jar that I left on the counter, straining, groaning, my arm extended and my hand openly coaxing the precious nectar to me so that I don’t have to - please, God, don’t make me - actually get up, walk over and get it. True, I may put on a few pounds once this formerly pathetic attempt at summoning food items actually starts to produce results, but there’ll just be more of me to love.

The ability to time travel will not change me.

I’ll still say things that I wish I hadn’t said, do things I wish I wouldn’t have done, make decisions that I’ll regret for as long as I live and generally screw things up big time. Granted, I will use my newly developed command of the time-space continuum to go back in time and correct my mistakes before they even happen, maybe even taking a few extra moments to destroy my enemies and nay sayers before they come to power, but hey, I’m still just ME.

Omnipotence will not change me.

I’ll still say things like, “Bow before me, unworthy one, for I am the One True God.” The only real difference will be that I’ll be able to back it up with parting waters, thunderbolts, floods, locusts … anything, basically.

Really, though, I don’t foresee any noticeable changes in my basic personality.

I’ll still just be me.

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