“Smot Poking”
In my
right hand I hold a story published in a recent issue of the New York
Times. The article states that "scientists" have proven that
marijuana is an addictive drug, and that its use can "prime the brain"
for the use of other drugs, such as heroin.
In my left hand I hold a marijuana cigarette, referred to by the previously
mentioned "scientists" as a "doobie." I'm conducting
a little experiment of my own, for you see, I'm no scientist,
but I play one in this column.
My plan: To smoke this "joint" while writing this column, in
the purest name of science, because according to the article, "Although
the studies were conducted on rats, researchers are confident that the
findings will apply directly to humans."
I love science.
For quite a little while there has been a debate as to whether or not
marijuana is a "gateway drug," i.e. a drug that leads to the
use of other, harder drugs. The debaters have generally fallen into two
camps — those who use marijuana and realize that the argument is
a load of crap, and those who hold some position of power and feel the
need to keep people from getting high as well as protect their phony baloney
jobs.
The latter group have traditionally been, and you should say this three
times fast, the master debaters.
And now they have science on their side. This research, which was financed
by the National Institute on Drug Abuse, has shown that using marijuana
will cause you to end up crouched in an alley with a needle dangling from
the crook of your arm. If you’re a rat.
This is particularly alarming news for me, as I'm now halfway done with
this "spliff."
Did the fact that the research was funded by the National Institute on
Drug Abuse catch your eye? Does the word "agenda" come to mind?
If these people gave me even a fraction of the cash usually involved in
these "studies" (laboratory rats are not cheap) then I could
prove beyond a shadow of a doubt ... anything! Hand over the check and
I'll prove it! Hell, I'll prove, with enough graphs and charts to impress
even Ross Perot, that underwear are "gateway clothing,"
and that wearing them leads to use of other clothing, like pants, shirts
and, in some extreme cases, hats.
Back to the article. Apparently, scientists injected rats with a "potent,
synthetic form of marijuana" while the Dopamine levels in their (the
rats) brains were measured. Dopamine is the brain juice that makes you
feel good, and apparently the Dopamine levels in the injected rats was
twice that of the rats forced to wear underwear.
In another experiment, scientists wanted to see whether or not they could
get rats to experience withdrawal symptoms from marijuana, thereby proving
that it is addictive. So, they once again shot some rats full of huge
doses of "synthetic cannabis" (Note: Can we really trust researchers
that can't get their hands on the real stuff? Imagine the uproar if I'd
used synthetic underwear in my experiment?) once a day
for two weeks. They then injected a chemical which abruptly counteracts
the effects of the fake weed. This is know, in scientific parlance, as
a "buzz kill."
As a result, the rats " ... showed exaggerated signs of being under
stress, like compulsive grooming ..."
Well, that clinches it, eh? Certainly their stress was due to their pathetic
addiction to marijuana, and was in no way related to the fact that they
were locked in little cages and being poked full of holes by creatures
100 times their size.
Now that I think about it, many of my friends are compulsive groomers,
too. And didn't I read somewhere that grooming is a gateway compulsion,
leading to compulsive laundry, gardening and dental hygiene?
I'm down to the "roach" now, and I'm sad to say that it's true
-- I really am craving some heroin.
Some Nacho Cheese heroin.
With salsa.
(WARNING! This is a proven gateway column! It could lead
to other activities that also waste your time, like reading the rest of
this web page or even - brace yourself - a book.)
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