“Titanic Survivors”

The following is an excerpt from a recent interview I conducted with four survivors of the Titanic disaster. The participants asked that I use only their first names to protect their privacy.

Irrelativity: If you could choose one word to describe the Titanic, what would that be?

John: Astounding.

Cindy: Breathtaking.

Jeff: Luxurious.

Rick: Whoa!

Irr: What was it like inside?

Jeff: Very comfortable. And bigger than I expected.

John: Well, as you know it was filled to near capacity, yet there still seemed to be so much room to move about.

Irr: Had you any idea when you bought your ticket that things would turn out the way they did?

Cindy: I had heard only good things, like that those who put the whole thing together were excellent at their craft. So I thought I had nothing to worry about. I don't think any of us did.

Jeff: I agree. I didn't have a clue. There's really no way of foretelling such tragedy.

Irr: At what point did you realize that you were in danger?

Cindy: It's hard to really say. There was definitely a sensation of impending doom as we went further out, but I don't know if I could really pinpoint it for you. It was more of a feeling that crept up on you.

John: It was great at first, we were just chugging along, making good time. I was there with my family and everyone was enjoying themselves. Then about an hour into it, it hit me ... this dialogue is horrible!

Jeff: Yeah, I thought this DiCaprio kid was supposed to be so hot, but here he is stomping all over these terrible lines. I knew then that I had to get out of there but I ... (pause) ... I just ...

Irr: That's OK, Jeff. We're here. Tell the group what happened.

Jeff: (shaken) Well, I was with this girl, and it was our second date, and she was really into the movie, so I knew I couldn't just leave. And I looked at my watch and realized that there was still two and a half hours left to go, and I just (sniff) ... look ... I tried to remain calm, I really did. People behind me kept saying, "Take it easy, man. Everything's gonna be OK. Down in front." And stuff like that. But I just ... (begins sobbing.)

John: Basically we all panicked a little bit. I know I did. I think it was the cheesy one-liners that set me off, the ones like they use in Schwartzenegger action films. As soon as I got wise to that, it was just a matter of getting out of there alive.

Rick: Check it out, dude. I was like all ...whoa! Then I see this dude in front of me, and he's all like, he's all, "Whoa, this sucks!" You know?

Irr: So you quickly realized the film was sinking. Then what happened?

John: I got my wife and kids out of there as soon as I could. I sent them through the side exit door, but it was a madhouse in there. Grown men were shoving little kids aside at the exits. Whatever happened to "women and children first?"

Cindy: That's what I'd like to know. I was stuck in the balcony and men were just elbowing past me. I knew that leaping over the railing would probably break both my legs, but when I took a look at what was happening on the screen, and realized how much money was spent on special effects, I was willing to take my chances.

Jeff: And the screams! The screams! Everyone was screaming. And when I saw the projectionist heading out the back door, I knew that it was every man for himself. So I started screaming, too. "Refund! Refund!" I yelled. But I was still so far from the ticket counter. And when I finally got to it, there was no one there! (Sob) No one!

Irr: The four of you were luckier than most. I heard that in some theaters in Nevada people were trapped inside until the final credits ended. But now that it's over, what are you doing to cope?

Cindy: You just have to put it behind you. I'm not saying I'm totally over it. I mean, I'm sure when I see it on the shelves of the video store I'll probably cringe a little.

John: We're doing therapy with other surviving families. And I've got the kids on those Flintstones Prozac Chewables.

Jeff: No one was there! And the floor was all sticky! And the screaming! Screaming!

Rick: Sorry, dude, I spaced. What was the question?

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