"Random Observations from the X Games"
* The announcer was pumped. Fully
pumped. Dude. And from atop the Moto X jump he let us, the not-so-pumped
crowd, know that in just a moment he needed us to "generate about
60 seconds of mayhem" because there was a "TV thing" going
on.
On his cue, the cameras lit up and the crowd went all mayhem-ismal. In
what I decided was the true spirit of "alternative" sport -
all the individualism and stuff - I only generated about 15 seconds of
mayhem. Hey, I make my own rules, man. I might have been able to squeeze
out another five seconds of mayhem if the free samples they handed out
at the Mountain Dew tent had been a little larger.
I don't know, I kinda like to spread my mayhem out a little,
make it last all day.
* As extreme sports become more
and more accepted into the mainstream, I can’t help but feel a tug
of pity for the Olympic athletes whose sports will certainly be squeezed
out in the next few years to make room for the new. Sorry, up-and-coming
javelin hopefuls. You have my sympathy, shot putters. Hammer throwers…well,
you must have known your days were numbered when you started.
* It seems a bit ironic that the
X Games is touted as a non-smoking event. No one seemed to pay too much
attention to that rule, and rightly so - if you can’t stand at the
foot of a mountain, about as outdoors as you can get, and have a cigarette,
then where can you? Also, when it comes to extreme activities, wouldn’t
smoking pretty much top the list? Statistically a far more risky pursuit
than hurling yourself through the air with a snowmobile in tow.
* And speaking of corporate sponsorship,
I guess I wasn’t paying close enough attention, but when did fast-food
tacos become synonymous with incredible athletic activity? Every big sporting
scene needs to have some sort of foam headgear associated with it - I
understand that - but I don’t see the connection between wearing
a giant foam rubber taco on your head and, well - anything. And
I like tacos.
* I'm not ashamed to admit that
I watched the men's snowboard superpipe finals - an amazing event which
was walking distance from my house - while sitting on my couch, next to
a fire, wrapped in a blanket. Each time the camera panned the rosy faces
of the fans braving the subzero temperatures, I thought, "There but
for the grace of God freeze my balls."
* As the motorcycle, complete with
rider, gracefully rotated backward through the air, pausing midrotation
long enough for the rider to remove his hands from the bike, then his
feet, then take a sandwich from his pocket, take three bites, re-wrap
the sandwich and replace it in his jacket, take a swig of water, brush
and floss his teeth, check his cell phone messages and then complete the
rotation, gently touching back down on the snow, the kid standing in front
of me turned to his friend and said, disgusted, "That's IT!?"
And I thought I had mayhem-generating issues. I see his point, though
- life is so much cooler in video games.
* While ambling, eyes to the ground,
with the crowd from one event to the next, I went to wipe my nose on my
glove, and as I did so looked up to see an ESPN camera about 3 feet from
my face, pointed right at me, with the camera operator actively focusing
on my nasal clearing.
At that moment I remembered the statistics I read earlier in the week,
about how the X Games is being broadcast live to something like 8
thousand countries in three different solar systems.
With the entire planet glued to my every move, I executed a smooth frontside
720 lien wipe, followed nicely by a switch Mctwist 540 snot transfer down
the side of my pants.
Unfortunately, my glove snagged my pocket on the way down and the judges
docked me accordingly, which ruined my chances of advancing to the finals.
But 2005 will be MY year!
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