"X-Men Powers"
The X-Men, in case you're just joining us, are mutants.
See, in the not-too distant future, human beings began mutating, and these
mutations gave them specific powers; there's the guy who can manipulate
metal, the girl who can walk through walls, the guy who shoots laser beams
out of his eyes, the girl who can control the weather and the guy whose
mutation involves being lucky enough to look like Hugh Jackman.
The world of the X-Men is like a superpower potpourri
- it's not just a choice between being able to fly or being invisible.
Whatever freaky ability you can imagine, in X-Men world, the human gene
has already begun to mutate towards it.
Cool.
I just came from seeing the latest X-Men movie, and it got me thinking:
in a world where any mutation is possible, which ones would I want?
Well...I made a list...
MUTATION: ABILITY TO LIE. Now, I'm pretty good at lying,
but not "mutant" good. I get all nervous and twitchy when I'm
really trying to cook a big one up. How cool would life be if I could
look you right in the face and blatantly lie with no outward signs to
tip you off? I'll tell you how cool - White House Cabinet Appointment
Cool.
MUTATION: INABILITY TO READ SOMEONE'S SCREENPLAY. "Hey,
Barry, I just wrote a screenplay. Will you read it and tell me what you
think?" Nope. Sorry. I would if I could, but I have this mutant thing
going on...you understand.
MUTATION: WEEKLY URINATION. Coffee, beer, iced tea, Gatorade,
more beer - and only one (longish) trip to the bathroom a week. Like a
camel in reverse. Sign me up.
MUTATION: ABILITY TO WHISTLE. Sure, I can whistle, but
only one of those wimpy little twitter whistles, not one of those "YO,
TAXI!" whistles where you put your fingers in the corners of your
mouth and emit window-rattling decibels. And I've tried, believe me. The
result was frustration, excessive spittle and near hyperventilation -
AND someone else took my Taxi.
Please, Mother Nature, twist my DNA around one more time
so that I may whistle like a man.
MUTATION: FREE SUSHI/PARKING. I'm not sure what this
has to do with genetics, it just sounds like a pretty good arrangement
to me.
MUTATION: ABILITY TO NOT TALK ABOUT CURRENT MUTATION.
There's this one mutation that I already have - the ability to squeeze
my cupped hands together and make funny little squeak toy sounds come
out. It's a subtle, more sophisticated version of the hand-in-the-armpit
noise that you're probably more familiar with. I've suffered from this
mutation since my teen years, as there weren't any girls in my neighborhood.
However, the mutation I WANT is the ability to stop demonstrating how
I can make my hands squeak to people I've just met.
MUTATION: ABILITY TO SAY, OUT LOUD, TO ANOTHER PERSON - RATHER
THAN JUST SITTING THERE THINKING ABOUT SAYING IT - "YOU KNOW, CELLULAR
PHONE TRANSMISSION TECHNOLOGY IS ACTUALLY QUITE ADVANCED AND SENSITIVE,
SO RATHER THAN TALKING REALLY, REALLY LOUD AT YOUR PHONE, YOU'D ACTUALLY
GET BETTER RESULTS IF YOU JUST SPOKE IN A NORMAL VOICE DIRECTLY INTO THE
PART WHERE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO TALK, THEN THE REST OF US DON'T HAVE TO
BE SUBJECTED TO YOU YELLING LIKE A LUNATIC INTO THE EMPTY SPACE IN FRONT
OF YOU." Yep.
MUTATION: ABILITY TO INSTANTLY AND FAIRLY SORT OUT MULTI-PARTY
RESTAURANT CHECKS. I'm dining out with twelve friends; there
were pitchers and multiple apps, some had a salad and some had lobster,
some had dessert and some didn't. The check comes and, rather than breaking
into that clammy sweat that comes from knowing I'm about pay far more
than I need to, I ask that it be handed to me. I glance at the bill, stand
up and announce, "Howard, you owe $35.45. Karen, $28.10. All of these
totals include a 20 percent gratuity, by the way. Willie, you scarfed
most of that calamari and were swilling from the margarita pitcher 73%
faster than anyone else - you own $68.55. Nancy, $12.50..." and so
on.
Freak of nature? Sure. But it beats paying $80 for two bites of a nacho
platter, a domestic beer and a side-Caesar.
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